I have always been fiercely independent. Have always done what I wanted to do and worked hard to get there. Now suddenly I find myself completely reliant on someone else. That someone else is my husband, who I love dearly. But still I struggle with this. I have lost my autonomy, lost a huge part of me - the driven career woman who people were motivated by and relied on; lost my independence in many ways.
Make no mistake I have also gained. I have a beautiful daughter, who is the light in my eyes and the joy in my heart. But this does not replace the part of me that is no longer. While I love my life at the moment and would not have it any other way I do miss feeling empowered and strong in my own person - proud to stand on my own two feet.
Day care is just not an option. I am the kind of person that if I do something I do it 150%. Right now I am being Mum. You only have this time once. They grow so quickly and they need you and as much as you can give them.
And so I hang up my shirts and my suits and watch my husband walk out the door to work each morning. He works hard and I know he feels the pressure of looking after his young family. I feel grateful that we are in this position and I don't have to go to work; that I can be at home to take care of our baby. It doesn't mean I don't miss that part of my life.
2 comments:
I so get what you mean on this post. I finished work two years ago to take a much needed break. When you go from working 110 hours a week to being at home the first few months are a great time to kick back, then in creeps the boredom and the wondering whether your brain will ever process quite as fast as it used to. Days seem like weeks at times.
Spend the time with jazz, babies change every day and you're right not to want to miss that. But do something for yourself as well. You have so much creativity so apply it. Join an art class or a photography group or something that interest you or you are curious about.
Be mummy and enjoy it but remember that Katherine needs stimulating to.
Thanks Kate. You are right and I always knew I might feel like this. I am keeping busy and as usual have many projects on the go; sewing, cooking ad knitting (domesticated or what!)along with the photography, card making and the gym. I am also going to see about joining a contempory dance class this weekend which I am excited about getting back to.
It is a world away from the 13 hour days of targets and incentives that I used to have but it's not all bad. Hope all is well with you. K x
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